Warning BM alert: If you were in anyway offended by my previous bathroom posts STOP do not read any further! If you are like me and my girl Nory Pollack and this kind of talk doesn't rattle you even during dinner then read on beotches.
I've gone on record about how no one told me about the whole squat toilet situation in China. Beotches conveniently left that out of the description of China (Gordon, Kristin and you too Alan.) I've also gone on record about my avoidance of them toilets at all cost. Today world colllided and the explosion was not pretty. (I told you to stop right, if you are still reading be warned yet again.)
Had Tuesday dinner with Dorothy Dozier Jenn's mom. We went to some place in her neighborhood that coworkers had taken her for her first lunch in Beijing a week or two prior. Dinner consisted of cold jellyfish salad (I've had many times since being in BJ, delicious), a side of slice bamboo shoots (first time, really good), and tea tree dried mushrooms Cantonese style (chewy but delicious as well) and a braised trout in brown sauce (another good choice). A bottle of some 1998 chinese wine (not bad not the greatest, Gordon you'da hate it.) Good conversation and I was fine. Stomach was in good shape all day long.
At 9pm or so, Dorothy and I headed to Tian 'an men Square to meet up with Jasmin and Hugo because we were going to walk around the square and see the Olympic light displays and go for a drink afterwards. When we got to the square my stomach felt really weird and I knew I would be needing the bathroom in about an hour or so. Problem is is that there is nothing to be found in the square at all. I can hold it.
We walk around the square the lights are very pretty and my stomach is doing some very weird things about a half hour into the walk. It's time to formulate a plan because things can go from bad to really bad in an instance. I'm looking high and low for possible out but there are sooooo many people around. We decide to walk south to see what we can find by way of a bar to grab a drink. Drink? Drink? I'm thinking xishoujian (bathroom) and xishoujian now! It gets so bad that all I can do it be quiet. Just be silent and monitor what my body is doing. Gauge how long I can possibly keep walking looking for a toilet. Problem is is that we are not finding anything. The streets are residential and I'm cursing city planning right now. We walk a little further and see some lights. A cigarette store, no help. A china mobile stand, no help. The equivalent of a bodega, no help. A closed restaurant, no help. Residential, residential, resi-frakking-dential this is getting very serious, no help. Finally a restaurant. Not our ideal choice but the patrons have beer bottles on the table so what the heck, we decide to go in. I say to the waitress, xishou--bathroom, BATHROOM!! and make a beeline to the direction she's pointing. Shit there's some guy waiting and the door just closed. The could be really bad!!! One of my worst nightmares come true.
Left leg, right leg hop hop hop. Left leg, right leg hop hop hop. HURRY THE FRAK UP!! Hop hop hop hop hop. The door opens and a girl comes out. Come on guy go in pee really quick and get the hell out. He doesn't go in. He was just waiting for the girl. IT'S MY TURN. Thank GOD!!! I walk in, close the door, turn and see a F#%KING SQUAT TOILET. SHIT, MOTHERF#%KER, GDDEMMIT, F#%KING SHIT.
I literally have no time to figure out how to do this. I don't know if the pants are supposed to come off or stay on. I fumble to get my belt loose and the stupid ass tie that's on the inside of these dumbass nautica cargo shorts that almost did me in. (Never buying nautica again because of that dumbass inside tie straps.) It's a race against time where mere microseconds could mean the difference between walking shirtless down the street as your shirts covers your soiled shorts in the back or not. I won that race was able to squat, apparently in the right direction and get my shorts out of the way of Big Wil while he did his business.
I'm in there for a while, my system was really screwed up by something and I'm not sure what it was. My business is coming to an end and I look around for tp. I don't see anything. Fortunately, I asked Dorothy for some tissue before I came into the restaurant. She gives me two tissues but after what I did in there I'll need a fifth of a roll but nothings around. Only thing I have on me is my bandana that I've been wearing on my head, arm, neck to mop up the sweat. It will have to do. Goodbye trusted Grey friend. You served your master well. I can never tell you how much I appreciated the last service you provided for me. You will be missed.
So apparently these no toilet paper because there's a removeable shower head thingy that you are supposed to use to rinse yourself off after you use your left hand as tissue. NOT TODAY! Just not going to happen today. Not saying it won't in the future, just not today.
Got home and first thing I did was go again. Took a shower. Had to go again. Showered again and as I type this at least and hour later I think I may have to go yet again. Geez.
I'd gone on and on about this particular type of porcelin fixture and had worked myself up into the fear of the damn thing. When push came to shove the decision was removed from me. I had no choice but to accept it and GO! If you can avoid the squat toilet or the hole in the ground do so. That said, having had this experience, guess what, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. This example was so extreme that anything that could possibly come after it has to be a walk in the park as far as I'm concerned.
I think I'll be okay in some of the remote places that I plan on visiting on my next leg if a western toilet isn't available. I get the message about letting our fears get the better of us.
Lesson learned, but did it have to be so extreme? Geez! Oim!
-Wil
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3 comments:
Sorry to hear of your problem,this show tell your monkey ass not to eat very thing you see.Maybe you needed that to clean you out and up.BUY ANOTHER BANDANA,cheap skate.You are really having a good time or bad time but I hear your joy in what you are doing.Take of yourself,Love Mom
I went to octoberfest in Germany around I think 1978. Had way too much beer to drink, needed bathroom badly. No line, went in, and there was this little old lady cleaning the bathroom up. The urinal consisted of a long trough type thing. So I waited until she finished cleaning, standing in the male bathroom with her. She paid me no mind, attention. A german man came in, walked right up and used it like she wasn't even there. I was stuck, do I do the same thing ? But she's a female, I can't do that in front of her. Really had to go, so I stepped to the far side of it. Worst nightmare happened. She came over by my side right as I was half way finished. Panic sets in. Try stopping doing a number one when you really have to go. She looks up at me and smiles. I finish and RUN out of the bathroom. Germans outside of it laughing. I learned that eldely woman cleans all the bathrooms, and they geta kick out of americans who don't know the customs of using bathrooms at fairs such as the octoberfest. Most americans would wait, but they are there to clean, and get a kick out of us thinking they are gonna stop what they are doing so we can use the bathroom. Strange custom, but now I can go in front of anyone. Lesson learned.
MJChappell
I haven't read past the first 2 paragraphs and I just want to state for the record that I did mention the "pop-a-squats" to you. But someone, WIL, didn't listen to me. Okay, now back to my reading...
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